As I journey towards the northern lands of Alberta to reunite with my soulmate, I’m engulfed with mixed feelings. Like most times its the dimmer, “feeling low” side of the emotion that stands out. There’s only an inkling of excitement towards opening up to a bright new weekend and an inkling more to feel up the pleasures of companionship. The clarity I’ve developed in deciphering the ratios of feeling types at this phase in life is the gift of adulthood to me. I’ve realized that a full blown mature adult has the power to feel life and the reigning universe with all its multiverses. Deep meditation, introspection and fitness for a clear mind makes more sense now than ever before. The mystical gift of deciphering feelings is a heart touching one indeed, but when it all leads one to feel up the low side of things it gets much more than a tad bit annoying.
So, looking out at the vast lush green fields as I journey, doesn’t fill me with hope and brightness, rather it resounds with this eeery feeling of vast emptiness that surrounds my existence. Luckily the adult me who’s introspected just too well, knows the feeling place of this emptiness. It sadly arises from the knowledge that the world is a stage and I’m an insipid actor rather an extra in the play, lacking passion and adorning sluggishness covering my face from the audience, waiting for the curtains to drop.The hope lies in the account that the hunger and passion I had when I set out to audition for my role hasn’t extinguished yet. It lies deep down in the valley of nothingness wanting to climb up the steep slopes and show up at the horizon. Such are the pains of adulthood.
Having turned 27 this year, I’ve assessed the pains and some of the undeniable pleasures that intertwine and complicate adulthood. Pleasures of knowing what love with and without lust is, what nature really does and doesn’t and that fiery ambition is all it takes to get the standing ovation on this world stage. The accompanying pains being that with love comes compromise and sacrifice, with natural benovelance comes disasters and with every fiery ambition there is inertia, sluggishness and jeering from the audience. It is this pain that empties my soul, undermines passion and catapults it to the pits of nothingness. In times of pleasure and ambition, I’d rather strangle the over powering pain of lowliness and emerge a warrior against physical and mental resistance.
Henceforth the ambitious me wants to forget my past as a failed actor. I want to kick start my passion each time it’s plagued by inertia and sluggishness. I want to do the smallest deed with fiery love, so that I embark on the path of excellence and feel intellectually renowned. I want to feel the benevolence of this world and not the burns of its disasters. I want to use the gifts of adulthood to fill colour and content to the vast green fields of my life.
Image Courtesy: Reddit